I don’t want a relationship but I don’t want the person I’m not having a relationship with to not want a relationship either

   

I keep having a lot of feelings and not a lot of time.

To see last week’s freakout, click here.

It feels like I couldn’t get my dick hard if I wanted to, like I want my teeth back, like sadness is weather and weather is wrong. It feels unfair like color blindness but matter-of-fact also like color blindness. It feels like the same thing over and over. It feels like being thirteen / it feels like being old. I feel afraid of the impulse I have to hurt. I like it. I want to hurt others. I want to pull teeth. I want to shove. I want violence and pain. What’s up world. Here I’m at. THERE’S A HOLE IN THE CUP. A FASTER GUN. I’M LISTENING TO YOU IGNORE ME. I’M DANCING TO THE SOUND OF YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE. I’M FREAKING OUT IN THE DIRECTION OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND DEEP WATER. DO YOU FUCKING THINK. I’M HURT LIKE DUDES I’VE HEARD ABOUT. I’VE GOT WHAT’S THE POINT IN MY FUCKING CEREAL. YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO HURT ME I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT. I’LL RUIN THIS. I’LL MAKE MYSELF SICK WITH WHAT I SAY. I’LL DO THAT FOR YOU, BE WORSE THAN EITHER OF US THOUGHT I COULD BE, AGGRESSIVE, PASSIVE, DISGUSTING. HERE WE GO, NOW WE’RE ROLLING. DON’T RUN AWAY NOW YOU’RE JUST BEGINNING TO HATE ME. IT’S JUST GETTING FUN WE’RE BOTH THROWING KNIVES. I’M THE LAST FUCKING KID STANDING AND IT’S DODGEBALL. I KNOW IT AND YOU KNOW IT WE’RE BOTH DOING WELL HERE TONIGHT. WE’RE HELLA FAR AND HELLA HURT. TEENAGE ROCKSTARS OF ADULT BULLSHIT. THE RAMEN BURGERS OF TEAM PAIN AND WE’RE BOTH LOSING EACH OTHER BUT WINNING THE GAME. IT’S ON NOW.