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Preface: We put up pieces on Wednesdays. Tuesday night I wrote three articles I hated. I had worked at the bike shop the four days before and had to be there this morning, too. (I’m at work now writing this.) I haven’t read what’s below. I wrote it in a panic. I felt ‘done with writing’ and didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to go to sleep. Before doing that, I typed this.
I’VE BEEN GONE A WHILE. I WAS HERE THEN GONE THEN BACK. NOW I AM STILL BACK. YOU CAN GET DÉJA VU AND IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER. YOU CAN FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING’S HAPPENED BEFORE BUT IT WILL JUST KEEP HAPPENING THAT SAME WAY. YOU CAN EAT A CERTAIN WAY TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY AND THE SAME GOES FOR EVERYTHING ELSE. THESE ARE THE CHOICES WE MAKE. YOU CAN FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM OR NOT AND YOU WILL JUST CONTINUE BEING RESPONSIBLE. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING GONE THEN UNGONE. I AM HERE AND I AM HERE AND I WILL LEAVE HERE TOO. I MISS HAVING CLASSES JUST CALLED ‘SCIENCE’ AND I MISS LEARNING AS AN ACTIVITY IN ITSELF. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT I AM DOING I NEVER SAY ‘LEARNING.’ ALTHOUGH I GUESS I COULD AND I WOULD JUST CONTINUE ON. I SAID GOODBYE TO PEOPLE I HAD JUST MET AND FELL IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE I MIGHT NOT SEE AGAIN. I DANCED IN AND OUT OF LIKE WITH FAR AWAY IDEAS FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT THE THINGS I WORRY ABOUT. I LISTENED TO MUSIC UNTIL IT TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW. IT IS ON NOW AS A REMINDER THAT I KNOW ALL THE THINGS I KNOW. I AM DOING MY THING RIGHT NOW. WE ARE ALL REALLY BUSY / NOT BUSY AT ALL. WE ARE ALL REALLY TIRED. WE LISTEN TO A LOT OF THE SAME THINGS AS OTHER PEOPLE THAT’S JUST LIFE. WE GO TO SLEEP WITH HEADPHONES ON. WE WAKE UP TO TAKE OFF OUR JEANS BUT WE DON’T REMEMBER DOING IT. THE JEANS ARE JUST OFF AND THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON WITH THAT KIND OF GUSTO. THERE’S NO SCIENCE TO SAYING YOU’RE SORRY YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY IT OUT. YOU CAN START A BAND AND MAKE MUSIC PEOPLE LIKE AND GET OLD IF YOU WANT TO AS WELL. THERE WILL BE THINGS YOU WISH YOU DID NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. THERE IS A BIKE LANE BUT YOU CAN DRIVE ON IT AND IT’LL FEEL LIKE A REGULAR PART OF THE ROAD. I DON’T DISAGREE WITH ANYONE EXCEPT MY IDEA OF THEM. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT BECAUSE I’VE GOTTEN A LOT OF THE THINGS I THOUGHT I WANTED AND EVENTUALLY STOPPED WANTING THEM AND I’VE LEARNED AT LEAST THAT. A HUNDRED PERCENT OF MY EXCUSES ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I DON’T HAVE LEARNING DISABILITIES BUT I FEEL DUMB MORE OFTEN THAN NOT. THERE COULD BE LEARNING DISABILITIES THAT I HAVE BUT AREN’T RECOGNIZED YET BECAUSE THEY’RE SO PERSONAL AND FIRST-PERSON THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD REALLY COMPREHEND THE REASONS I DON’T COMPREHEND CERTAIN THINGS WELL, LIKE HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT AND ZEN BUDDHISM AND CAPITALISM. I DANCE WITH THAT IDEA. I SHIMMY AWAY. THE EKRANOPLAN IS A RIDICULOUS THING AND YOU CAN WATCH VIDEOS OF IT. IT IS THE SIZE OF AN AMERICAN FOOTBALL FIELD AND IS EXTREMELY HEAVY. IT IS A PLANE THAT FLIES JUST 60 FEET ABOVE THE WATER IF YOU HAVEN’T GOOGLED IT YET AND JUST WANT TO KEEP READING OR SOMETHING. THEY ALSO MAKE PLANES WITH TWO FLOORS, DID YOU KNOW THAT YET? TWO FLOORS YOU CAN SIT ON. IT’S STILL REALLY HARD TO CONNECT TO A PRINTER THOUGH. THERE’LL ALWAYS BE REMINDERS LIKE THAT IF YOU LOOK FOR THEM.