Photographing Your Penis: A Field Guide

   
spotteddick

So you think you have a nice penis? Would you like to immortalize it on the internet forever?

Here are some tips and tricks from a person who has, regretfully, received more than her fair share of dick pics.

 

DO: Trial and error

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Penises are a difficult thing to make aesthetically pleasing. They are, by definition, the sexiest when they are inside of another being, completely out of sight. That being said, some of you absolutely insist on galavanting your dicks around to loved ones or strangers online. Which is fine, but if you want someone to look at a still image of your penis, at least put some effort into it. If I send you a picture of my naked body, I will take upwards of 20 photos, then spend the next hour painstakingly going through each one in order to find the most flattering option. If you’re going to send me a photo of your junk, I expect you to do something similar.

 

DON’T: Weird angles

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I cannot understand for the life of me why someone who is attempting to make his penis seem appealing would take a photo angled from above, allowing his hairy stomach to spill over into his pubic hair. I mean, my god, I do NOT need to see the way your thighs brush up against your ball sack while you are lounging on the couch on a Sunday afternoon. If you were going to take a photo of your face, would you take it from the most unflattering possible angle, making sure that every horrible detail of your double chin is highlighted? No. So please: don’t do that with your dick.

 

DO: Warn people you are going to send them a photo of your penis

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Do you know what it feels like to open an email containing a photo of a penis without mentally preparing yourself to look at a penis? It’s the stuff of nightmares. Think of it this way:  If you were with a person in real life, and you wanted them to touch your penis, would you whip it out during a normal conversation and start poking them with it? God I hope not…

 

DON’T: Take a photo of your flaccid penis

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Look, I’m gonna be honest with you, the chances of you sending a photo of your dick to someone, and them thinking ‘Man, I would really love to have that thing inside me’ are extremely slim. But you know what’s even less likely? That someone will see a photo of your flaccid penis and say ‘I would really love to interact with that sad little thing until it becomes the erect beauty that I have always dreamed of.’ You could have the most marvelous dick in the world and still nobody would want to see it flaccid. Flaccid dicks are weird and confusing. End of story. Moving on…

 

DO: Include something as a frame of reference

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I’m not saying you should put your dick next to a ruler. I promise you that nobody cares whether your dick is 4 or 7 inches long. However, including your hand in the photo is not a bad idea. There is honestly nothing scarier than a picture of a dick that appears to stand alone, detached from an actual human body. Next time you decide to take a photo of your cock, think about a disembodied penis floating near your head. Does that sounds like a weird nightmare you had at age 13? Good. Make sure your dick pic isn’t reminiscent of that.

 

DON’T: Take a photo of your dick ‘peeking’ out of an item of clothing

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Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Do you know how fucking weird it is to receive a photo of your half-erect penis hanging out of a pair of basketball shorts? Or peeking out from the top of your jeans? You would be amazed how many people send photos like this. Here’s a cool tip: don’t be lazy, take your fucking pants off.  Nobody wants to see the tip of your penis hanging sadly out of a hole in your boxers. It’s creepy and weird. If you’re gonna make someone look at a photo of your dick, at least be thoughtful about it.