Noah Liveblog

   
Screen Shot 2014-04-15 at 9.21.38 PM

On Tuesday, April 15th, in Los Angeles, California, I liveblogged a 2:45 p.m. showing of Noah, the Darren Aronofsky film based on the biblical story of Noah’s Ark.

This theater has couches.

I chugged a lot of coffee before entering the theater.

The person I’m seeing the movie with says there’s a part in the Bible where Noah’s kids find him passed out drunk in a tent.

I feel attracted to a small child in this movie.

Russell Crowe just, like, punched some random bro for no reason related to the plot.

‘They sprout from the ground.’ —Russell Crowe, explaining to the [aforementioned] hot child what flowers are.

‘I saw it sprouting out of the ground.’ —Russell Crowe, explaining flowers to Jennifer Connelly.

This movie seems like a 2-hour-long trailer for Game of Thrones.

A giant monster made of rocks tapped Russell Crowe on the head and he died, I think.

Wait—is this movie about Noah’s Ark or no…?

There were a bunch of giant rock monsters who wanted to kill Russell Crowe’s family, then Russell Crowe said, ‘I’m just going to visit my grandpa,’ and they were like ‘Oh okay’ and left.

Is Russell Crowe supposed to be Jesus?

Lol Russel Crowe just, like, handed his child over to a giant flaming rock monster.

Russell Crowe’s dad wont stop drugging people.

Russell Crowe’s dad seems like a date rapist.

Russell Crowe is fully insane, why does anyone trust this bro.

I’ve eaten like 1,000 calories worth of almonds and the movie isn’t even halfway done.

I just used the men’s bathroom on purpose.

Oh cool I got back from the bathroom and some bro was going down on Emma Watson in a forest.

I’ve never read the Bible but I’m pretty sure these flaming rock monsters weren’t in it.

What the fuck they’re just filling the ark with pigeons now.

I hope there’s a montage of all the animals fucking.

Russell Crowe looks like Santa Claus in a hot way.

I think this bro just said his name is ‘Ham.’

Ham seems like a dickhead.

Real talk, this ark is, like, not gonna float, its made of fucking twigs.

The animals all seem depressed.

I don’t know why Emma Watson is in this movie.

I’m not really paying attention.

Russell Crowe named his child ‘Ham’ why isn’t anyone talking about that.

Seems sexy when Emma Watson calls herself ‘barren.’

Russell Crowe told Ham that they aren’t allowed to fuck women on the boat and he started crying.

I still can’t believe they named this guy ‘Ham’

‘How am I supposed to know what is right?’ —old wise bro who keeps telling people what is right.

The crazy old bro won’t stop looking for berries in places where there are very obviously no berries.

I strongly identify with the old bro in this movie who is bitter that God won’t talk to him.

It started raining a little and everyone completely lost their shit and started killing each other.

Okay so, like, an insane thing just happened. Russel Crowe told Ham he couldn’t have a wife, then Ham started crying and ran away and found this girl in a pit of dead bodies and tried to bring her back to the boat but then she got caught in a bear trap or something and then he let her get trampled by an army of giant rock people.

Poor Ham is literally never gonna get laid.

There’s a giant battle and God is intervening by shooting lasers down at random people in a really annoying and unhelpful manner.

The entire world is literally flooding and the crazy old bro is still looking for berries.

This movie seems super unrealistic.

Russell Crowe just told his kids they had to bury each other alive what the fuck.

Ham is an out-of-control retard.

Okay, so I guess Ham snuck this bitter old guy onto the boat without telling Russell Crowe and now the bitter old guy is eating all the animals.

One of the old guys ‘touched’ Emma Watson and now she’s pregnant…

Russell Crowe is straight up insane.

Jennifer Connelly is screaming ‘Punish me, Noah!’… nice.

The person I’m with just turned to me and mumbled ‘God is a dominatrix.’

Russell Crowe just lit the life raft on fire.

I know I said this before, but I can’t believe how crazy Russell Crowe is, why doesn’t someone just kill him, he’s making everything so much more difficult for everyone.

Emma Watson gave birth in like 2 seconds.

I haven’t been paying attention to the movie for like 20 minutes because I’m too busy focusing on how comfy the chairs in this theater are.

Russell Crowe is literally trying to murder babies right now.

God seems like a dick.

Non sequitur scene of Russell Crowe naked and drunk on a beach.

The movie ends with some people alive who have to repopulate the human race but, like, they’re all related. Like, someone is going to have to fuck their sister or their daughter or niece or the human race dies… Damn…