Why You Don’t Want to Date Me

   
sadface

*NOTICE*  I have not been romantically involved with everyone in the following photographs *NOTICE*

I’m needy and passive at the same time. I never know what I want, so I never say what I want, but then I become frustrated when I don’t get what I want. When I don’t get what I want, I blame it on you for not listening to me, when in reality I wasn’t being clear about my desires. 

breakup

I’m bad at arguing. I’ve been told that in healthy relationships people argue using their words, then somehow the argument ends, and everything goes back to normal. If this is true then I’ve never been in a healthy relationship. The main thing I do in arguments is stop talking completely. When I feel I’ve said everything I need to say, and I no longer feel interested in hearing what you have to say, I go catatonic. I stare blankly into the void and don’t say a word until you give up and stop talking. Then I leave and don’t respond to your texts or phone calls for up to a week. This is a good way to either win an argument or end a perfectly good relationship.

jacob

I starve myself as a way to assert control. When I feel as though you aren’t listening to me, or are disregarding me in some fundamental way, or that you’ve somehow gotten the ‘upper hand’ over me (i.e. I like you more than you like me), I will literally stop eating. I know it doesn’t ever solve anything. I guess I do it to prove that I’m capable of scaring you. It’s a defense mechanism for when I feel powerless and vulnerable. Watching you express fear and concern when I tell you that I haven’t eaten in 2 days can be extremely satisfying. I want to see you squirm.

starving

My desire to meticulously catalog all of my relationships in writing, specifically on Twitter, is more important to me than the relationship itself. If you date me, and our relationship has any effect on me emotionally, there is a ~99 percent chance I will write something about you and a ~75 percent chance that you won’t like it. For this reason, I have a hard time maintaining friendships with my exes. Which brings me to my next topic…

bed

I will absolutely, without fail, make every break-up confusing and messy. I don’t know why I do this. I guess I’m selfish and I like destroying things for no reason. If I break up with you, there’s a good chance I’ll try to continue having sex with you. If you break up with me, no matter how badly I feel about you, I’ll probably continue to have sex with you anyway. Not only will I aggressively continue our relationship in a vague and confusing way until you hate me, I will also somehow twist the story so that the whole thing becomes your fault. The most important thing to remember if you’re going to date me is that I am the victim, not you.

crying

I want to be alone almost all the time. I love being alone for no specific reason other than I can do anything I want when nobody’s watching. Though it may not show if you meet me in real life, I have a ton of social anxiety. My desire to constantly please people is completely consuming and exhausting. I have a hard time relaxing when I’m around anybody at all. It takes me years of knowing a person before I’m able to relax around them, and even then I’m nowhere near as relaxed as I am when I’m alone. By myself I can smoke as much weed as I want and eat with my hands or not eat at all. I can mix benzos with opiates and watch Game of Thrones for 6 hours straight and there won’t be anyone there to tell me they are ‘worried about me.’ My tendency to want to avoid the company of others will make you think that I’m not romantically interested in you even if I’m very romantically interested in you.

blanket

I value productivity over relationships. If I’m completely infatuated with you (which I imagine is a normal part of a burgeoning intimate relationship), then I suddenly become unable to write or engage in any other creatively satisfying endeavors. I’m at my most productive when I’m lonely and bored. The only way I can be as productive as I want to be while in a relationship is if I’ve been dating you for a long time and have become extremely comfortable with you. But, as I mentioned, it takes me years to get to that point. Which means that I would have to be not quite as productive as I want to be for years if I want to be in a healthy long-term relationship.

halliday

I barely like anybody. That’s not to say that there’s something wrong with most people. On the contrary: I think that something is profoundly wrong with me. It’s extremely rare for me to become interested enough in you to want to spend more than a few hours with you, let alone allow you to regularly put your penis in my body. In the past, I’ve tried to force relationships with people whom I felt I ‘should’ want to date, thinking that maybe, given time, I could grow to love them. This has always ended in feelings of extreme depression and alienation for both of us. I can count the number of people I’ve felt an actual desire to be in a relationship with on one hand.

matt

*NOTICE* If you are currently interested in pursuing a relationship with me, and you just read this, please contact me immediately so I can convince you that our relationship won’t be like this because ‘I’ve changed’ and ‘that was the past’ and ‘I’m a different person now’. *NOTICE*