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During my teenage years, I would play a game with my group of friends called ‘Would you rather?’. For those of you who have never played that game, it’s exactly what it sounds like. You just take turns asking questions that start with ‘Would you rather…’
In the beginning we would ask simple, obvious questions, such as ‘Would you rather be half your height, or double your weight?’
As time went on, we ran out of obvious ones and had to get creative. We started asking questions like ‘Would you rather have Martha Stewart watch you every time you have sex, or have the Darth Vader theme song play extremely loudly every time you enter a room?’
Now jump forward to my early twenties. Or, as I never call them, ‘The Formspring Years.’
Formspring was a site where people could ask you questions completely anonymously… That’s it… That was the entire website. It was an exercise in online vanity.
Formspring was a really cool thing for about a year and then everyone simultaneously stopped using it for some reason.
Some time passed and I had mostly forgotten about the anonymous questions, until I saw that people I knew had started using something called Ask.fm. Ask.fm is the exact same thing as Formspring. I don’t know why people decided that Ask.fm was better than Formspring, but they did. I am one of those people.
I got an Ask.fm account a few months ago when I first moved back home to Los Angeles. I was bored and depressed, which led me to seek more external validation from strangers on the internet than I normally would (and I normally seek out a lot of external validation from strangers on the internet).
There have been a few recurring characters on my Ask.fm account these past few months. One of them is a guy named Michael, who signs all of his questions. A couple of people seem to be Michael impersonators. And the rest are, like I said, completely anonymous.
I don’t know who could possibly be interested enough in me to take time out of his or her life to ask me these questions, but my inquisitors are very dedicated. Most of the time the questions are much funnier than my responses.
I get a ton of questions. The other day someone asked me 178 questions in the span of 1 hour.
I’ve answered over 5,000 questions since November.
Here are some of my favorites:
If evolution is real where are the dinosaurs?
That’s what I been saying this whole damn time.
Would you let Hitler fuck you in the ass for a million dollars?
Would you put a frozen turd up your butt semi-repeatedly for $100,000?
Would you eat a decent amount of a healthy stranger’s poop for $100 million?
Would you rather type on a typewriter in Starbucks every day for a year while wearing a multicolored neon fanny pack and a fedora and Crocs and a tie-dyed suit blazer or wear a wedding gown nonstop for a week around your hometown asking everyone you see if they have seen your husband?
Wedding gown thing seems way funnier.
Would you marry me with the impossibility of divorce for $100 million?
If you had a choice to be reincarnated on this planet or another, and you also had the choice to either have the same memories and conscious ‘youness’ you have developed over the course of your life (your intellect and knowledge etc.), or be born again a blank-slated baby, what would you choose?
Oh god this shit is fucked up…
Would you let me respectfully love you if you didn’t have a choice?
If someone’s baby is about to be attacked by a vicious dog and you have a gun and you try and shoot the dog but you shoot the baby, are you still a good person? Is ‘intention’ enough to solidify your goodness, even in the event of ill action? Or are you guilty and an ass for being such a poor shot?
I forgot everything I learned in my college ethics class, I’m sorry.
If a guy had to cum on you where would your favorite place to be came on be?
Interesting grammar here.
Would you jerk off a bear for fun/the experience if it was guaranteed it wouldn’t attack you (/a small-to-medium-sized chance it might attack you if you didn’t)?
Yeah, I guess I’d jerk the bear off. You kinda got me between a rock and a hard place.
If you were a man would you rather be goth, a baseball player, a rodeo star, a worker on an oil rig, a Wall Street stockbroker, the lead singer or bassist or drummer or guitarist or keyboard player of a band genre of your choice, or a normal dad, or a ‘cool’ middle school teacher, or a ‘cool’ gym t…
Normal dad any day.
Would you rather have a collection of the finest vibrators and dildos of your choice for free or a sexually and generally average-meh boyfriend who is madly in love with you?
In real life I have consistently chosen the second option.
If you had to give a homeless man a complete blowjob or eat an entire medium-sized plate of spaghetti out of a horse’s ass (tomato sauce optional) which would you choose?
My first thought was to ask, ‘How homeless is the guy?’
Would you rather (from now until the moment you die) chain-smoke joints, only breaking for food and drink and while you sleep the room would be almost air-sealed and baked with dank vape or never smoke weed at all?
If you had to choose, would you rather have sex with a pineapple, a hedgehog, a cactus, a million maggots at once, the sun, a lightsaber made of AIDS, a pin-pulled grenade, a million pieces of the sharpest paper at once, the largest dinosaur, or me?
Would you rather be the slightly-paid intern at your least favorite soda company or win the lottery for a million dollars but blow it in a month or become a lifetime ice cream truck operator or marry your dream husband who though it hurts you are forced, stemming from your true love, to let him cheat on you?
Realistically, the last one.
If you had to choose between complete world peace from now until forever or 5 million dollars what would you choose?
Would you rather live in a cabin alone for your entire life with everything you needed (and no internet) or be poor your whole life in a big city having to work for everything you needed (and no internet).
If I didn’t have the internet I wouldn’t have everything I need.
Would you rather become a monk in a Buddhist colony in the mountains or occasionally win relatively very small amounts of money by becoming a very mediocre Magic: The Gathering tournament player or be a lifetime cabdriver in city of your choice or work at a hand-job-only-happy-ending massage store?
Magic: The Gathering tournament player.
(This is not a photo of me.)
Would you rather live in a commune of people who are >500 lb. but could provide you with whatever drugs you want whenever, or a commune of people who are attractive, DTF, but smell kinda bad?
I guess the smelly attractive people.
Why do you constantly misuse punctuation Jesus Christ?
I dropped out of college.
If God exists and offers you a job being an angel traveling around the universe and trying to make things ‘good’ or being a demon and just ‘seeing what happens’ which would you choose?
Both seem like actual torture.
Is Spencer retarded or is he just joking around?
How much for Spencer?
I’ll literally pay you to take the priceless bastard.
I been too horny lately, like I pushed my dick against a girl’s butt like a couple times in class she didn’t mind it but I could have a slap across my face. Felt good tho she wore yoga pants. —Michael
Tell me how to talk to these girls I pushed up against. Like do they like me or does my handsomeness lets me get away w/ it? —Michael
I feel your pain. I recommend not pushing up against girls you don’t feel comfortable talking to.
I wanna butter ur ass.
Good luck with that I guess.
I can’t get the smell of ass out of my nose.
Until u have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not ‘feel my pain.’ —Michael
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair.
You seem dope as hell keep it up.
I just unintentionally masturbated to my own Facebook picture. —Michael
I just bit into some bread, then locked lips with my dog, then passed it onto its mouth. My dog hates me and I hate myself. —Michael
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think? -Michael
Nothing wrong with u b.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. —Michael
U go girl.
I took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed —Michael
I kill hookers. —Zachary German.
Z and I have that in common.
Writing poetry is my job, killing hookers is my game. LOL. —Zachary German
*NOTE* I’m pretty sure Zachary German did not actually write either of those questions *NOTE*
I don’t use the emoticon “brb.” —Michael
‘BRB’ is not an emoticon.
If you don’t know what you’re depressed about then just be not-depressed.
Felt like threatening your family after reading this.
Baby I miss u. —Michael
I miss me too.
______ (adjective) breasts.
Angry. Sad. Eager. Manipulative. Greedy. Introverted. Goose-like. Manic. Itchy.
Babies have shit incomes across the board.
Yeah, babies are fucking lazy and should be deported IMO.
Are you into bondage stuff ?
Only on weekends.
The girl I felt on broke up w/ her boyfriend and didn’t tell me even [though] I was hanging out w/ her a lot at the being [sic] of the semester. Does she wanna fuck, she 17 and virgin. —Michael
You brighten my day.
Where’s Michael ? I fear the worse [sic].
I’m not worried. He will be back.
My doctor gave me anti-depression pills small dose. —Michael
Guess who’s back…back again.
I’m trying to impress the ladies. What would be more impressive, a gold-plated Lamborghini covered in diamonds, or inventing a laser weapon of war that can be attached onto a dachshund and feed the dog treats after every enemy-kill?
Here’s a good way to impress the ladies: give up.
Are feet shoes?
Being bitter and lazy gets u nowhere. Am both those things. —Michael
Imagine they perform cryonic suspension on your brain without your former knowledge and after your death you wake up in an artificial body but some proportions, like arm length, are a bit off because there were so few pics left of your actual body, would you cause a scene or just be grateful?
I’d be fucking pissed off.
What would you say to Jesus if you met him?
I doubt I would recognize him.
Do you use your uterus to store baggies of cocaine?
When I was 12/13 I masturbated while on my period w/ my dad’s bible in my (“separated”) parents’ walk-in closet, despite not actually knowing what a vaginal canal was. Whilst in 7th grade, I had a period for one month straight and bled thru my school uniform onto my desk pretty much e’r’y day.
This is really good, thank you.
Do you think ur parents (in ur childhood) should have done more about taking care of you? Do u think it’s their fault u don’t respect ur self? U see any relationship between that?
Is that you, Daddy?
Do u respect yourself? (189 word answer pls)
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no sometimes.
Is this a turn-on for you?
Fuck your cats amiright?
Yeah, I fuck my cat.
I am sometimes known as the Larry David of the underground metal community. What are your thoughts on that?
I think you’re doing incredibly well in life and I imagine you are happier and more successful than I am.
*GRAND FINALE* Guest post by Spencer Madsen when he was living with me in Los Angeles after we had each consumed Adderall and most of a bottle of wine *GRAND FINALE*
I feel so bad…is this what girls feel when a guy makes them ~*~*~genuinely*~*~*~ feel like shit? Like my head hurts and my throat hurts and I can’t believe this happens and …Jesus fucking Christ. Is this what girls feel?
Yo bro this is Spencer, Mira’s afk pouring me wine, let me tell u about heartbreak, it’s a regular thing that happens, I’m fully with you, we’re here bro, we might be afk at times but how away from a keyboard can u rly be? U got a tiny one in yr pocket, it’s called a phone bro get with it, all shit goes away, yr body and the way it feels and Eggo waffles way later, that shit is full of preservatives and it’s bright yellow lol, tastes so good, you gotta eat it right away tho peace.